Today I read the blog of a friend of a friend who is struggling with an eating disorder, and trying to learn to be healthy. I realized two, no, three things. 1) I am very, VERY fortunate not to have an eating disorder. 2) Many of the things she said about her anxieties and what overwhelms her could have come from me. 3) When she got comments from friends or talked about her great support system, I realized how lacking in that I am. I mean, I have my mom and my dad, but neither is someone I have ever felt comfortable really opening up to for various reasons I may or may not get into. I have my husband, who is part of the problem more often than not. I have a best friend from my childhood who, while she would offer support in any way she could, moved far away and has her own life now, one I am not really part of. And...that's it. I have no friends here, where I've lived for my entire life. Mostly, that doesn't bother me. I've always been something of a loner, making friends is work when you're somewhat shy which I am, and keeping them requires work. With my current mood and mindset, any kind of sustained effort in that direction is just not workable.
Recently though, I've been starting to wonder (as I occasionally do) what it would be like to have a supportive network of friends. I've realized that my life has MAJOR problems, and I have absolutely no one I can talk to honestly about them. I've considered journaling, which I used to do as a teen, but I never seem to manage it. I also feel like I want what I'm going through out there in the universe (or the metaverse, whatever) on the off chance that someone could relate. So I wanted to blog. But I have an angry, vindictive ex-husband who would just love to get his hands on anything that shows what my real life or real thoughts are like so he could use them in court, where he still loves to drag me even nearly three years after our divorce was final. So I felt I couldn't blog because I can't give him any more ammunition than he has already gotten/created.
I decided that I could do this if I remained anonymous. Which feels a little bit like cheating, but it is solely because of my ex and our (his) legal issues. It is not, in any way, because I don't want to own up to my life. Maybe someday, when our youngest is 18 and he can't touch me any more, I'll "come out." But until then, you can just call me...
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