So he did it. He lost the car. His boss told him that when he comes in for the meeting tomorrow morning he needs to bring the car, the gas card and all the keys because "cars are for people who work 40 hours a week." Which he doesn't. He claimed he's going to write out all the hours he works that his boss doesn't seem to notice, but honestly, his boss is right! I've warned him about this kind of thing, and he doesn't listen. He keeps insisting that it's fine because he is such a great seller, but I knew that his sales wouldn't make up for the fact that he doesn't do what he's supposed to do.
I just can't stand this. How the hell am I supposed to be able to deal with him? If I have to pretend I don't totally blame him, which I do, I'll explode. If I say anything to him, he'll accuse me of being unsupportive and try to make me feel guilty about not backing him just because I'm his wife. Which is crap, because I'm the one who keeps getting screwed over every time he fucks up! If I say anything in response to that accusation, he'll just start in about the house and that "at least he's working" and basically how useless and inferior I am. Which he swears isn't what he means, and that I should stop putting words into his mouth, but that is also crap. He goes out of his way to try to tear me down to try to distract from the fact that he's such a fuck up, and then tries to say I'm misinterpreting what he means.
Basically, no matter what I do or say, I'm wrong unless I totally agree with him, which maybe I should do just to "keep the peace" but I don't know if I can do that when it is just SO WRONG.
God, I just want to extricate myself from this financial disaster. I want to be able to make enough money that I don't have to be dependent on him. He is not, in any way, dependable.
Of course, the way he works he won't be coming home after work tonight anyway because he'll be out drinking. Because his boss is so unfair to him and his life sucks so much, and it is never in any way his fault. Because he is blameless, always.
Why the hell did I even let this man into my life? Why didn't I just divorce my idiot ex and leave it at that? I should have broken up with this ass as soon as I found out I was pregnant and just had the baby on my own and lived here with my three kids and figured out a way to make ends meet without any men to ruin things.
I swear, if things don't change for the better and this marriage falls apart, which it so very clearly is, I will never EVER get married again. I doubt I'll even date. I just don't want any more complications, and that's all men seem to be. At least the men I attract into my life.
I cannot afford to just let my life happen to me any more. I have three kids who depend on me, and have nobody else dependable in their lives. I can't just let things go on this way. I have to pull things together and move on from this part of my life. I need to get my shit together.
No comments:
Post a Comment