I'm pretty tired. I didn't sleep well last night. DH came in late, so I woke up when he came in, then he kept trying to get me interested in waking up and having sex. Why do men think they're somehow sexy when they come in all drunk and smelling like a bar? They're not. Not to mention all the other issues that come along with that, like the money wasted and the irresponsible behavior. I mean, it's not that I'm "cutting him off" or something as a punishment, it's that someone whose priorities are so screwed up is in no way a turn-on for me. It's hard to want to sleep with someone you don't respect and aren't even sure you like much any more.
But, as they used to say, I made my bed and now I have to lie in it. This was all my doing. I made the poor choices, I married him even knowing how things were. I'll deal with it somehow. I'll keep trying to find writing jobs so I can, with luck and effort, eventually be self-supporting so that when this eventually blows up in his face, it doesn't take the rest of us down too.
I talked to the bank about a mortgage modification, and it sounds promising but that only works if he works. Which is only ever a temporary situation with him. I hate being dependent on someone so damn unreliable. I am angry with myself for letting this happen.
I'm taking my ex back to court. I want to claim the kids on my taxes. He has been getting to claim them based on the idea that he pays child support and covers their insurance. He doesn't pay child support any more (we each have one of the kids so it wouldn't make sense), and he's been out of work for three years so hasn't had insurance in all that time. I covered the kids, then the state did when I lost my job, and now dh does. It seems a fairly reasonable request, so I asked him directly because he claimed he wanted to try to avoid lawyers. His response? "Talk to my lawyer." Ass. I'm also not going to sell the house right now, no matter what he wants. His two reasons were: 1) I owe him his portion of the (non-existent) equity, and 2) I need to get his name off the mortgage. We'd be doing a short-sale, so selling doesn't get him a penny, and he never was on the mortgage note at all. Selling does nothing for him except feed his vindictive little need to make things hard for me, so screw him. He doesn't care that the kids don't want to move, that the market sucks, that we'd never find a four-bedroom in this economy and the kids will be unhappy. He only cares about what he wants. As always. I genuinely hate that man. Divorcing him was the best thing I ever did.
I'm just so tired and angry and stressed right now. Why can't anyone just NOT be an ass? Ever? I just want things to be better, and every time they start to look like they could be, they end up just getting worse. I'm trying to improve our lives. I'm trying to be more responsible with money, get more organized, figure out if we're staying here so I know if I should put effort into fixing this place up or into packing. I want to just stay here and fix this place up. I said I'd never move again when we bought this place, and I'd like for that to be the case. I hate moving. I love new places to live don't mind unpacking, but I hate packing and moving. Things need to just start getting better!
I know, whiny. I don't mean to be, but I need a place to vent and this is it. I'm not going to edit myself here and try to sound like everything's ok. It's not. I'm trying to get it there, but it's slow going. Especially with DH involved. Ugh.
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