So he did it. He lost the car. His boss told him that when he comes in for the meeting tomorrow morning he needs to bring the car, the gas card and all the keys because "cars are for people who work 40 hours a week." Which he doesn't. He claimed he's going to write out all the hours he works that his boss doesn't seem to notice, but honestly, his boss is right! I've warned him about this kind of thing, and he doesn't listen. He keeps insisting that it's fine because he is such a great seller, but I knew that his sales wouldn't make up for the fact that he doesn't do what he's supposed to do.
I just can't stand this. How the hell am I supposed to be able to deal with him? If I have to pretend I don't totally blame him, which I do, I'll explode. If I say anything to him, he'll accuse me of being unsupportive and try to make me feel guilty about not backing him just because I'm his wife. Which is crap, because I'm the one who keeps getting screwed over every time he fucks up! If I say anything in response to that accusation, he'll just start in about the house and that "at least he's working" and basically how useless and inferior I am. Which he swears isn't what he means, and that I should stop putting words into his mouth, but that is also crap. He goes out of his way to try to tear me down to try to distract from the fact that he's such a fuck up, and then tries to say I'm misinterpreting what he means.
Basically, no matter what I do or say, I'm wrong unless I totally agree with him, which maybe I should do just to "keep the peace" but I don't know if I can do that when it is just SO WRONG.
God, I just want to extricate myself from this financial disaster. I want to be able to make enough money that I don't have to be dependent on him. He is not, in any way, dependable.
Of course, the way he works he won't be coming home after work tonight anyway because he'll be out drinking. Because his boss is so unfair to him and his life sucks so much, and it is never in any way his fault. Because he is blameless, always.
Why the hell did I even let this man into my life? Why didn't I just divorce my idiot ex and leave it at that? I should have broken up with this ass as soon as I found out I was pregnant and just had the baby on my own and lived here with my three kids and figured out a way to make ends meet without any men to ruin things.
I swear, if things don't change for the better and this marriage falls apart, which it so very clearly is, I will never EVER get married again. I doubt I'll even date. I just don't want any more complications, and that's all men seem to be. At least the men I attract into my life.
I cannot afford to just let my life happen to me any more. I have three kids who depend on me, and have nobody else dependable in their lives. I can't just let things go on this way. I have to pull things together and move on from this part of my life. I need to get my shit together.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Weekend fun
Tonight dh came home right after work, which initially thrilled me because I was expecting him to go out tonight and blow us all off. The thing is when he is here, all of our stress levels go through the roof. I understand and agree with him that his company's computer system is stupid and poorly designed. I get that after working out in the cold it's aggravating to have to spend another hour or two fighting with the computer system. I just can't take all the screaming tantrums.
First of all, it was hardly a long day when he didn't even leave the house until about 3:30. Second, everything makes him swear and freak out. I can't help but thing some of this is related to his drinking too. The only time he's not like this is when he's drunk. Right now he's complaining about how much he hates his life, swearing at the stupid Facebook game he plays for "relaxation" and just being loud and obnoxious. I asked him as patiently as I could to just tone it down a little because the kids are sleeping (or at least trying to) and he's yelling obscenities. He snapped at me, as usual , as if I'm just being unreasonable and giving him a hard time for no reason. Then he complained more.
I know his job sucks. I know I probably don't know just how much it does suck. But he doesn't see his part in any of this. His boss told him if he didn't make a certain quota this week he'd take the company car back. He's all pissed because he says he's sick of being threatened with losing the car. He doesn't see that it wouldn't be happening if he did what he was supposed to do. He goes in late, cuts out early to go drinking, and insists that they shouldn't complain because his sales are so good. And that might be true if he worked solely on commission, but he gets a salary too so they expect him to work a certain number of hours, and he doesn't.
If he loses the car, it isn't such a huge inconvenience for him.'he'll just take my car. I will be stuck carless again, plus I'll have to give him gas money again. Which is even more money he can blow on alcohol instead of on what he should be.
I'm so tired of his crap. What am I going to do if (when) he loses this job too?
First of all, it was hardly a long day when he didn't even leave the house until about 3:30. Second, everything makes him swear and freak out. I can't help but thing some of this is related to his drinking too. The only time he's not like this is when he's drunk. Right now he's complaining about how much he hates his life, swearing at the stupid Facebook game he plays for "relaxation" and just being loud and obnoxious. I asked him as patiently as I could to just tone it down a little because the kids are sleeping (or at least trying to) and he's yelling obscenities. He snapped at me, as usual , as if I'm just being unreasonable and giving him a hard time for no reason. Then he complained more.
I know his job sucks. I know I probably don't know just how much it does suck. But he doesn't see his part in any of this. His boss told him if he didn't make a certain quota this week he'd take the company car back. He's all pissed because he says he's sick of being threatened with losing the car. He doesn't see that it wouldn't be happening if he did what he was supposed to do. He goes in late, cuts out early to go drinking, and insists that they shouldn't complain because his sales are so good. And that might be true if he worked solely on commission, but he gets a salary too so they expect him to work a certain number of hours, and he doesn't.
If he loses the car, it isn't such a huge inconvenience for him.'he'll just take my car. I will be stuck carless again, plus I'll have to give him gas money again. Which is even more money he can blow on alcohol instead of on what he should be.
I'm so tired of his crap. What am I going to do if (when) he loses this job too?
Friday, February 11, 2011
Fridays
I am so tired of being spoken to like I somehow am some classless hick next to his West Hartford elite. If I say anything, he acts like I'm being unreasonable and jumping all over him for no reason, just to be a jerk. He doesn't get that his job doesn't make up for his attitude. He's rude to me on a regular basis, talks to me like I'm his servant when things aren't going his way, as if it's my fault that he's technologically incapable.
He wonders why M. throws tantrums over every little things when he is such a shining example. Every single time something goes wrong, it's "Fuck this fucking thing" until we all just want to scream.
If I hear one more damn time that he hates living here, hates this house, hates his life, hates anything and everything, I'm going to freak out. He complains about eating in the living room, which is not something we ever did regularly before he came here, but if I say I want to eat in the kitchen at the table he doesn't want to because he's all stretched out with his feet up and watching TV.
I'm just so tired. I get sick of the tension, the shouting, everything. I wonder constantly how I ended up here. Well, I don't really wonder. I know how I ended up here. I just wish that I could change things. I wouldn't trad the kids for anything. I love all three of them so much. I just am so tired of being miserable because I can't for the life of me make a good choice in men. First it was my ex. He had his good points, the main one being that he didn't drink and kept his job, but he was a self-centered ass who never, ever gave a damn about anyone but himself and certainly had no interest in making any improvements around here because that would require him to get his ass off the couch. Now it's my husband, who works his ass off when he's not screwing himself out of a job by being completely irresponsible. He's been through, what, eight jobs in the three years I've known him? There's the way he alternately scares, disappoints and adores our daughter. That's not going to screw her up at all, is it?
If either of my daughters marry men like either of their fathers, I will personally lock them both in the cellar so that I can have them deprogrammed. Because I wouldn't wish either of these men on my girls. And yet I married both of them. I'm fucking brilliant.
He wonders why M. throws tantrums over every little things when he is such a shining example. Every single time something goes wrong, it's "Fuck this fucking thing" until we all just want to scream.
If I hear one more damn time that he hates living here, hates this house, hates his life, hates anything and everything, I'm going to freak out. He complains about eating in the living room, which is not something we ever did regularly before he came here, but if I say I want to eat in the kitchen at the table he doesn't want to because he's all stretched out with his feet up and watching TV.
I'm just so tired. I get sick of the tension, the shouting, everything. I wonder constantly how I ended up here. Well, I don't really wonder. I know how I ended up here. I just wish that I could change things. I wouldn't trad the kids for anything. I love all three of them so much. I just am so tired of being miserable because I can't for the life of me make a good choice in men. First it was my ex. He had his good points, the main one being that he didn't drink and kept his job, but he was a self-centered ass who never, ever gave a damn about anyone but himself and certainly had no interest in making any improvements around here because that would require him to get his ass off the couch. Now it's my husband, who works his ass off when he's not screwing himself out of a job by being completely irresponsible. He's been through, what, eight jobs in the three years I've known him? There's the way he alternately scares, disappoints and adores our daughter. That's not going to screw her up at all, is it?
If either of my daughters marry men like either of their fathers, I will personally lock them both in the cellar so that I can have them deprogrammed. Because I wouldn't wish either of these men on my girls. And yet I married both of them. I'm fucking brilliant.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Tuesday Venting
I'm pretty tired. I didn't sleep well last night. DH came in late, so I woke up when he came in, then he kept trying to get me interested in waking up and having sex. Why do men think they're somehow sexy when they come in all drunk and smelling like a bar? They're not. Not to mention all the other issues that come along with that, like the money wasted and the irresponsible behavior. I mean, it's not that I'm "cutting him off" or something as a punishment, it's that someone whose priorities are so screwed up is in no way a turn-on for me. It's hard to want to sleep with someone you don't respect and aren't even sure you like much any more.
But, as they used to say, I made my bed and now I have to lie in it. This was all my doing. I made the poor choices, I married him even knowing how things were. I'll deal with it somehow. I'll keep trying to find writing jobs so I can, with luck and effort, eventually be self-supporting so that when this eventually blows up in his face, it doesn't take the rest of us down too.
I talked to the bank about a mortgage modification, and it sounds promising but that only works if he works. Which is only ever a temporary situation with him. I hate being dependent on someone so damn unreliable. I am angry with myself for letting this happen.
I'm taking my ex back to court. I want to claim the kids on my taxes. He has been getting to claim them based on the idea that he pays child support and covers their insurance. He doesn't pay child support any more (we each have one of the kids so it wouldn't make sense), and he's been out of work for three years so hasn't had insurance in all that time. I covered the kids, then the state did when I lost my job, and now dh does. It seems a fairly reasonable request, so I asked him directly because he claimed he wanted to try to avoid lawyers. His response? "Talk to my lawyer." Ass. I'm also not going to sell the house right now, no matter what he wants. His two reasons were: 1) I owe him his portion of the (non-existent) equity, and 2) I need to get his name off the mortgage. We'd be doing a short-sale, so selling doesn't get him a penny, and he never was on the mortgage note at all. Selling does nothing for him except feed his vindictive little need to make things hard for me, so screw him. He doesn't care that the kids don't want to move, that the market sucks, that we'd never find a four-bedroom in this economy and the kids will be unhappy. He only cares about what he wants. As always. I genuinely hate that man. Divorcing him was the best thing I ever did.
I'm just so tired and angry and stressed right now. Why can't anyone just NOT be an ass? Ever? I just want things to be better, and every time they start to look like they could be, they end up just getting worse. I'm trying to improve our lives. I'm trying to be more responsible with money, get more organized, figure out if we're staying here so I know if I should put effort into fixing this place up or into packing. I want to just stay here and fix this place up. I said I'd never move again when we bought this place, and I'd like for that to be the case. I hate moving. I love new places to live don't mind unpacking, but I hate packing and moving. Things need to just start getting better!
I know, whiny. I don't mean to be, but I need a place to vent and this is it. I'm not going to edit myself here and try to sound like everything's ok. It's not. I'm trying to get it there, but it's slow going. Especially with DH involved. Ugh.
But, as they used to say, I made my bed and now I have to lie in it. This was all my doing. I made the poor choices, I married him even knowing how things were. I'll deal with it somehow. I'll keep trying to find writing jobs so I can, with luck and effort, eventually be self-supporting so that when this eventually blows up in his face, it doesn't take the rest of us down too.
I talked to the bank about a mortgage modification, and it sounds promising but that only works if he works. Which is only ever a temporary situation with him. I hate being dependent on someone so damn unreliable. I am angry with myself for letting this happen.
I'm taking my ex back to court. I want to claim the kids on my taxes. He has been getting to claim them based on the idea that he pays child support and covers their insurance. He doesn't pay child support any more (we each have one of the kids so it wouldn't make sense), and he's been out of work for three years so hasn't had insurance in all that time. I covered the kids, then the state did when I lost my job, and now dh does. It seems a fairly reasonable request, so I asked him directly because he claimed he wanted to try to avoid lawyers. His response? "Talk to my lawyer." Ass. I'm also not going to sell the house right now, no matter what he wants. His two reasons were: 1) I owe him his portion of the (non-existent) equity, and 2) I need to get his name off the mortgage. We'd be doing a short-sale, so selling doesn't get him a penny, and he never was on the mortgage note at all. Selling does nothing for him except feed his vindictive little need to make things hard for me, so screw him. He doesn't care that the kids don't want to move, that the market sucks, that we'd never find a four-bedroom in this economy and the kids will be unhappy. He only cares about what he wants. As always. I genuinely hate that man. Divorcing him was the best thing I ever did.
I'm just so tired and angry and stressed right now. Why can't anyone just NOT be an ass? Ever? I just want things to be better, and every time they start to look like they could be, they end up just getting worse. I'm trying to improve our lives. I'm trying to be more responsible with money, get more organized, figure out if we're staying here so I know if I should put effort into fixing this place up or into packing. I want to just stay here and fix this place up. I said I'd never move again when we bought this place, and I'd like for that to be the case. I hate moving. I love new places to live don't mind unpacking, but I hate packing and moving. Things need to just start getting better!
I know, whiny. I don't mean to be, but I need a place to vent and this is it. I'm not going to edit myself here and try to sound like everything's ok. It's not. I'm trying to get it there, but it's slow going. Especially with DH involved. Ugh.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Time with Mom
Lunch and shopping with my mom yesterday went well. We did end up having a good time. We ate out first and I talked her into having a drink with lunch. She rarely drinks but likes one occasionally. Then we went shopping for my birthday present, a new winter coat. I found one, and also some boots. We had a good time laughing over kid stories and just talking in general, so it was fun.
Then I came home and got to listen to dh bitch and swear about the remote for the cable not working, which is always fun. I have never met anyone who has such a short fuse for things not working right, and who throws a bigger tantrum over such stupid things. It makes me crazy. I just get this knot of tension in my chest, and I want to scream at him to shut up! If I say anything though, it just makes him worse because he says I'm jumping on him when he's already mad. But he does it so often (over the cable, the computers, the refrigerator, you name it) that there isn't a GOOD time to talk to him about it. It just isn't normal for a grown man to be screaming obsenities at the top of his lungs just because something stupid isn't doing what it's supposed to do. No, the cable remote doesn't work right. Yes, it is irritating for all of us. But he's the only one screaming (yes, screaming) "GOD DAMN THIS FUCKING THING!" at the top of his lungs, never mind if the kids are here, or trying to sleep, or whatever. I hate it.
Sometimes, I wish I just lived alone. I wonder if I would still be married if I could afford not to be financially, I really do. The happiest time of my life was after my ex moved out and it was just the kids and I here. Not that I'd want to give up my youngest if I could turn back the clock somehow and do it over. She really is the light in my life. All of my kids are.
Like I've said before, I've made some bad choices in my life. Now I have to live with them.
Then I came home and got to listen to dh bitch and swear about the remote for the cable not working, which is always fun. I have never met anyone who has such a short fuse for things not working right, and who throws a bigger tantrum over such stupid things. It makes me crazy. I just get this knot of tension in my chest, and I want to scream at him to shut up! If I say anything though, it just makes him worse because he says I'm jumping on him when he's already mad. But he does it so often (over the cable, the computers, the refrigerator, you name it) that there isn't a GOOD time to talk to him about it. It just isn't normal for a grown man to be screaming obsenities at the top of his lungs just because something stupid isn't doing what it's supposed to do. No, the cable remote doesn't work right. Yes, it is irritating for all of us. But he's the only one screaming (yes, screaming) "GOD DAMN THIS FUCKING THING!" at the top of his lungs, never mind if the kids are here, or trying to sleep, or whatever. I hate it.
Sometimes, I wish I just lived alone. I wonder if I would still be married if I could afford not to be financially, I really do. The happiest time of my life was after my ex moved out and it was just the kids and I here. Not that I'd want to give up my youngest if I could turn back the clock somehow and do it over. She really is the light in my life. All of my kids are.
Like I've said before, I've made some bad choices in my life. Now I have to live with them.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Sunday
Today I am having lunch with my mother. We're also going shopping and she's buying me a new winter coat for my birthday. Actually my birthday was last month, but this is the first chance we've had to go out together because of all the snowstorms we have had. I'm looking forward to it, but I'm always a little nervous going out with her. If she's in a good mood, we have a blast together. We've had some really good times going out and going on trips to Boston and such.
When she's in her "Queen Bee" mood however, it's just a test of self-restraint on my part. Then she spends the day telling me what I'm doing wrong in my life and how much better she does things. She doesn't talk about the big things, mostly because I don't share those with her. No, it's that she folds laundry better than me, that she cooks better, that she manages her money better, that my kids aren't polite enough, that she doesn't understand why I don't to (fill in the blank) the way she would. Then she starts in on my step-father. He's not really my step-father, they never did get married, but they've dated on and off since I was seven and have lived together since I was about 22. I'm 38 now.
I agree with her about him. I wish he'd move out so they could both be happier people. They haven't been a couple for decades, just living in the same house and hating it because he can't afford to live without her and she doesn't have the heart to tell him to go. I think he's a fool for letting his kids take advantage of him the way they have, and that if he'd cut them off at some point much earlier than this maybe they would have learned to be grownups at some point and become more self-reliant instead of the total wastes of space like they are, at least the two boys. His daughter is just a jerk, but she is at least a responsible adult. My mom would never kick him out because he can't afford to live anywhere else since thanks to his kids all he has left is social security. I just worry because he has Parkinson's and beyond the fact that I think it's unfair that my mom is going to be stuck caring for a man that she hasn't been in a relationship with for years, I'm concerned that he could hurt her as the disease progresses. She's admitted he already has sometimes violent dreams, and although he's never laid a finger on her that could change.
In the past, I've always taken his side because he's a kind, gentle man who just got taken advantage of by his children. He's always been like a second father to me, and I've always liked having him in our lives. The problem is that a year or so ago his attitude toward me changed. Suddenly he started hitting on me, calling me up and saying highly inappropriate things to me, expressing very clearly that he'd like to make our relationship more physical. I know it's the disease, I keep telling myself that. And my husband agrees, although he's offered to deal with it for me if it happens again. But it creeps me out on so many levels. First, the fact that he's been like a dad to me and is now trying to ... well, ick. Second, he's 74 or so, and I'm just not interested in that. And of course, the fact that I'm MARRIED and he's living with my mom.
As I said, I keep telling myself it's the Parkinson's causing it, but I can't help how I feel. I don't want anything to do with him. I wish he would move out and just go away. I don't want to talk to him on the phone or in person. I don't want him around me or my kids. I just can't deal with it. I hate that I can't even call my mom's house without being afraid she won't be home and he'll answer. I finally stopped brushing it off to spare his pride and told him flat out that I do not, and never will, think of him that way. That I've always considered him my step-dad even though he and my mom never married. His response was that he wasn't my step-dad. He said he'd stop talking about it, but to let him know if I ever changed my mind. I told dh that if it happens again, he can deal with it and talk to him for me. The only incident since then was when he asked if we had any porn he could borrow. I told him no, and hung up. If it happens again, I will tell my dh. The whole thing just makes my skin crawl.
Anyway, I've got to start getting ready, which means waking dh up to watch dd2. Wish me luck.
When she's in her "Queen Bee" mood however, it's just a test of self-restraint on my part. Then she spends the day telling me what I'm doing wrong in my life and how much better she does things. She doesn't talk about the big things, mostly because I don't share those with her. No, it's that she folds laundry better than me, that she cooks better, that she manages her money better, that my kids aren't polite enough, that she doesn't understand why I don't to (fill in the blank) the way she would. Then she starts in on my step-father. He's not really my step-father, they never did get married, but they've dated on and off since I was seven and have lived together since I was about 22. I'm 38 now.
I agree with her about him. I wish he'd move out so they could both be happier people. They haven't been a couple for decades, just living in the same house and hating it because he can't afford to live without her and she doesn't have the heart to tell him to go. I think he's a fool for letting his kids take advantage of him the way they have, and that if he'd cut them off at some point much earlier than this maybe they would have learned to be grownups at some point and become more self-reliant instead of the total wastes of space like they are, at least the two boys. His daughter is just a jerk, but she is at least a responsible adult. My mom would never kick him out because he can't afford to live anywhere else since thanks to his kids all he has left is social security. I just worry because he has Parkinson's and beyond the fact that I think it's unfair that my mom is going to be stuck caring for a man that she hasn't been in a relationship with for years, I'm concerned that he could hurt her as the disease progresses. She's admitted he already has sometimes violent dreams, and although he's never laid a finger on her that could change.
In the past, I've always taken his side because he's a kind, gentle man who just got taken advantage of by his children. He's always been like a second father to me, and I've always liked having him in our lives. The problem is that a year or so ago his attitude toward me changed. Suddenly he started hitting on me, calling me up and saying highly inappropriate things to me, expressing very clearly that he'd like to make our relationship more physical. I know it's the disease, I keep telling myself that. And my husband agrees, although he's offered to deal with it for me if it happens again. But it creeps me out on so many levels. First, the fact that he's been like a dad to me and is now trying to ... well, ick. Second, he's 74 or so, and I'm just not interested in that. And of course, the fact that I'm MARRIED and he's living with my mom.
As I said, I keep telling myself it's the Parkinson's causing it, but I can't help how I feel. I don't want anything to do with him. I wish he would move out and just go away. I don't want to talk to him on the phone or in person. I don't want him around me or my kids. I just can't deal with it. I hate that I can't even call my mom's house without being afraid she won't be home and he'll answer. I finally stopped brushing it off to spare his pride and told him flat out that I do not, and never will, think of him that way. That I've always considered him my step-dad even though he and my mom never married. His response was that he wasn't my step-dad. He said he'd stop talking about it, but to let him know if I ever changed my mind. I told dh that if it happens again, he can deal with it and talk to him for me. The only incident since then was when he asked if we had any porn he could borrow. I told him no, and hung up. If it happens again, I will tell my dh. The whole thing just makes my skin crawl.
Anyway, I've got to start getting ready, which means waking dh up to watch dd2. Wish me luck.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Where things stand
It's 10:36 pm. I wanted to go to bed no later than 10:30, but I only just got dd2 down. I still have a couple of things I want to do before I go off to bed.
My life is very disorganized. Part of this is because I have no energy. Part of that is because I don't get enough sleep. The other part is that I struggle with depression, and some days it wins. When that happens, the clutter and disorganization drive me crazy. I want to just make it all go away. But I don't have the energy to do it. It's sort of a vicious cycle. Depressed over clutter, but too depressed to do anything about it.
One thing I want to try is getting to bed at a regular time. If I get dd2 to bed around 9 or 9:30 at the latest, I can get to bed between 10 and 10:30. That gives me enough sleep each night (8 hours) that I should be able to rule out sleep deprivation as one of the causes of the complete chaos in my life.
The other thing is that I need to get dd2 and I on a schedule. We are so disorganized. She watches far too much TV. She is a little wild, unruly thing. I love that about her, but she needs structure. Apparently so do I. I spend all day accomplishing very little, and it's not like I'm wasting time playing games or anything. I'm checking email, looking for writing jobs, just caught up in...stuff. Nothing. And then it's dinner time, and we're ordering takeout because I have nothing thawed.
So my plan is to get up with dd2 at 8 or 8:30 a.m. and spend the first hour on the computer checking email, twitter, job sites, whatever. She can watch TV or a movie during that time and eat breakfast. Then we will both get up and dressed and brush hair and teeth. That should take us to about 10 a.m. or so, and I haven't figured out exactly what comes next.
Here are things I do want to include, although some not every day:
Laundry
Lunch
Cooking Dinner
De-cluttering (at least 15 minutes per day, hopefully more)
Preschool with dd2
Visiting the library
Playground visits
Playgroups, if I can find them.
Grocery shopping with coupons
Keeping up with appointments/phone calls (doctor, dentist, etc)
Writing (min. 750 words per day)
Spend time with dd10 and ds14.
I don't know what else. And I'm tired, so I'm going to leave it at that.
My life is very disorganized. Part of this is because I have no energy. Part of that is because I don't get enough sleep. The other part is that I struggle with depression, and some days it wins. When that happens, the clutter and disorganization drive me crazy. I want to just make it all go away. But I don't have the energy to do it. It's sort of a vicious cycle. Depressed over clutter, but too depressed to do anything about it.
One thing I want to try is getting to bed at a regular time. If I get dd2 to bed around 9 or 9:30 at the latest, I can get to bed between 10 and 10:30. That gives me enough sleep each night (8 hours) that I should be able to rule out sleep deprivation as one of the causes of the complete chaos in my life.
The other thing is that I need to get dd2 and I on a schedule. We are so disorganized. She watches far too much TV. She is a little wild, unruly thing. I love that about her, but she needs structure. Apparently so do I. I spend all day accomplishing very little, and it's not like I'm wasting time playing games or anything. I'm checking email, looking for writing jobs, just caught up in...stuff. Nothing. And then it's dinner time, and we're ordering takeout because I have nothing thawed.
So my plan is to get up with dd2 at 8 or 8:30 a.m. and spend the first hour on the computer checking email, twitter, job sites, whatever. She can watch TV or a movie during that time and eat breakfast. Then we will both get up and dressed and brush hair and teeth. That should take us to about 10 a.m. or so, and I haven't figured out exactly what comes next.
Here are things I do want to include, although some not every day:
Laundry
Lunch
Cooking Dinner
De-cluttering (at least 15 minutes per day, hopefully more)
Preschool with dd2
Visiting the library
Playground visits
Playgroups, if I can find them.
Grocery shopping with coupons
Keeping up with appointments/phone calls (doctor, dentist, etc)
Writing (min. 750 words per day)
Spend time with dd10 and ds14.
I don't know what else. And I'm tired, so I'm going to leave it at that.
Welcome to my life
Today I read the blog of a friend of a friend who is struggling with an eating disorder, and trying to learn to be healthy. I realized two, no, three things. 1) I am very, VERY fortunate not to have an eating disorder. 2) Many of the things she said about her anxieties and what overwhelms her could have come from me. 3) When she got comments from friends or talked about her great support system, I realized how lacking in that I am. I mean, I have my mom and my dad, but neither is someone I have ever felt comfortable really opening up to for various reasons I may or may not get into. I have my husband, who is part of the problem more often than not. I have a best friend from my childhood who, while she would offer support in any way she could, moved far away and has her own life now, one I am not really part of. And...that's it. I have no friends here, where I've lived for my entire life. Mostly, that doesn't bother me. I've always been something of a loner, making friends is work when you're somewhat shy which I am, and keeping them requires work. With my current mood and mindset, any kind of sustained effort in that direction is just not workable.
Recently though, I've been starting to wonder (as I occasionally do) what it would be like to have a supportive network of friends. I've realized that my life has MAJOR problems, and I have absolutely no one I can talk to honestly about them. I've considered journaling, which I used to do as a teen, but I never seem to manage it. I also feel like I want what I'm going through out there in the universe (or the metaverse, whatever) on the off chance that someone could relate. So I wanted to blog. But I have an angry, vindictive ex-husband who would just love to get his hands on anything that shows what my real life or real thoughts are like so he could use them in court, where he still loves to drag me even nearly three years after our divorce was final. So I felt I couldn't blog because I can't give him any more ammunition than he has already gotten/created.
I decided that I could do this if I remained anonymous. Which feels a little bit like cheating, but it is solely because of my ex and our (his) legal issues. It is not, in any way, because I don't want to own up to my life. Maybe someday, when our youngest is 18 and he can't touch me any more, I'll "come out." But until then, you can just call me...
Recently though, I've been starting to wonder (as I occasionally do) what it would be like to have a supportive network of friends. I've realized that my life has MAJOR problems, and I have absolutely no one I can talk to honestly about them. I've considered journaling, which I used to do as a teen, but I never seem to manage it. I also feel like I want what I'm going through out there in the universe (or the metaverse, whatever) on the off chance that someone could relate. So I wanted to blog. But I have an angry, vindictive ex-husband who would just love to get his hands on anything that shows what my real life or real thoughts are like so he could use them in court, where he still loves to drag me even nearly three years after our divorce was final. So I felt I couldn't blog because I can't give him any more ammunition than he has already gotten/created.
I decided that I could do this if I remained anonymous. Which feels a little bit like cheating, but it is solely because of my ex and our (his) legal issues. It is not, in any way, because I don't want to own up to my life. Maybe someday, when our youngest is 18 and he can't touch me any more, I'll "come out." But until then, you can just call me...
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